Making A Long Distance Love Relationship Work!

"I'm in a long distance love relationship and this article really helped me out!"

Can a long distance love relationship really work? How often should I visit him? Is an LDR (long distance relationship) right for me? It feels like I'm on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions, is this normal? Should we see other people while we’re apart? How should we deal with the trust issue?

 

 

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' - or so the saying goes… but what happens when this absence meets the everyday life routine?

Each one of my friends, including myself, has experienced a long distance love relationship at least once in life… for some of us it was a disaster, for others a success... so, as for the question 'whether it works or not', it's not possible to give one answer, it's very subjective and depends on the two people in the relationship. I believe a long distance love relationship can definitely work, it depends on how much the two sides really want to make it work.

The LDR (love distance relationship) is a modern phenomenon. Today, with the availability of endless modes of communication, long distance relationships have become much more commonplace. It is common today for a couple to carry on a developing romantic relationship even when they are hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. The latest statistics suggest that there are over 7 million couples (14-15 million individuals in the US only) who consider themselves in a long distance love relationship – that's a lot!

I've tried to gather for you all the long distance relationship tips you'll need in order to make it a successful relationship:

 

• Communication

Communication is a key in any relationship, but in a long distance love relationship, excellent communication skills are crucial. If you learn to master good communication and set the parameters of your relationship, it can work. It might not be an easy task, but it's possible, and many people do eventually become happily married as a result of being in a long distance love relationship (so don't give up).

The quality and quantity of communication with your man will need to extremely increase when you embark on a long distance love relationship.

Be interested in your partner's life, feelings, dreams, etc. Try not to talk only about yourself. Make and keep space for the other side; hear about his day, problems, feelings. Ask "open questions" such as Why? What? How? And try to avoid "closed questions" that the answers for them are only "yes" or "no".

Schedule regular times to talk to one another on the telephone. If you happen to miss a 'long-distance date', be sure to let him know just as you would to any business contact. Take advantage of lower evening and weekend telephone rates.

Make sure your cell-phone plan offers free long distance and sufficient free weekend and off-peak minutes. Burning up the long-distance telephone lines is one sure fire way to keep the passion alive when the two of you are apart.

Pay attention not to be swallowed up by unlimited communication. The need to talk all the time portrays lots of LDR couples. The effect of this is social isolation and decreasing in work outputs. It can lead to dismissals and to the loss of good friends. Try as much as you can to be in control of yourself.

Set the frame of your relationship together. Before throwing your heart and soul into a long distance love relationship, sit down with your guy and communicate openly and honestly about how each of you view the relationship. Agree on the level of commitment you expect from one another, is it a monogamous relationship or just a fun and flirty fling? Talk about your intentions and expectations from the relationship; where you see it going? Do you see it as a serious relationship? Do you want to eventually get married and have kids in the next year/few years?

This communication sets a firm foundation for the future and helps to avoid disappointment down the road. By avoiding saying things you assume the other side wouldn't like to hear, you're only postponing a future break up. Try to be honest with yourself and with your guy (if you need help figuring out what you want out of your long distance love relationship, it's a good idea to try my 'Ideal Scene' coaching session, it will help you focus on what you really want from the relationship and what your expectations are from it).

Read more about Boosting Your Communication Skills.

 

• Avoid Making Assumptions

When communicating through email, phone, or any other technology - we have to be very careful not to make assumptions about the subtext of the conversation or the feelings of our partner. Assumptions are traps! He may sound unhappy about something and your first assumption is that he doesn't want to be with you anymore or talk to you... he might of had a really shitty day at work or just isn't in a mood for talking on the phone.

Try not to assume and take everything personal. Don't assume that your long-distance partner knows what your are feeling - share your feelings! Good or bad, be clear about how you feel about the relationship. If you have questions to ask him – ask them!

Don't keep things in your heart and script them in your mind all day long. Assumptions kill many relationships, while clear and open communication helps relationships succeed. Let your partner clearly know your ambitions, fears, feelings, and desires. This will allow him to share something deeper with you as you both work together towards mastering your communication abilities.

 

• Do Things Together, Quality Time

It's always good to do things together, spend quality time with each other (even if you aren't physically with each other). There are lots of things long distance partners can do together. I've written two whole pages of Long Distance Relationship Ideas.

 

• A Positive Attitude

If you want your long distance love relationship to be successful, you have to see the glass as half full. It's easy to dwell on the negative in this kind of relationship. When you are feeling lonely or disappointed (because you cannot be with the one you love), take the opportunity to plan for the next time when you will be able to see your desired man. Use the passion you are feeling to your advantage and make sure your next romantic encounter will be one your partner will never forget.

Focus on the solutions not on the the problems; focus on what you do have from the relationship (the positive aspects) and try not to dwell on the negative aspects. It's also a good idea to read my article on the Power Of Positive Thinking.

 

• Meet Face To Face

Couple therapists who focus on long distance relationships have understandably suggested frequent face-to-face visits. I personally know lots of people who are in a long distance love relationship for a long time (over 6 months) yet they hardly ever meet!

Please ladies – don't hold a long distance love relationship over a long period of time without meeting your man. A long distance love relationship should turn face to face more then just 'once in a while'. Don't turn your relationship into a fantasy that communicates only through media tools and has no anchor in reality.

 

• Always Have Your Next Meeting Scheduled

It's very important to mark a date even if it is several months away. Mark it on the calendar and count down the days. By knowing that you will see your lover in an X number of days, you're giving yourself something to look forward to and you're keeping the relationship upbeat and fun. Before you know it, the long wait will be over and the two of you will be in each other’s arms once again!

 

• Be Ready To Deal With Unexpected Changes Of Plan

In a long distance love relationship, things might not always go as planned. A long-awaited and much-needed weekend together may have to be postponed due to an unexpected work or family commitment that one of you have. When it does happen, be ready and willing to shake it off and go forward. Don't let the disappointment eat away at you and damage your relationship. Be open to spontaneous and last-minute opportunities to be together.

 

• Trust

Lack of trust is the most frequent obstacle in long distance relationships. People cheat because of personality issues or problems with the relationship, not because of distance. If you are sitting at home, night after night, wondering what your guy is up to in another town or country, you're in a problem.

If you get upset when your lover’s telephone line is busy or not available, and you seem to be sure that he is having another romantic interest, again - you're in a problem. If you're jealous when you call your lover’s office and hear his sexy-sounding secretary’s voice, you're in a problem.

If trust is an issue in your long distance love relationship, take a long look at the reasons for the mistrust. Has your partner given you reason not to trust him? If so, have these issues been communicated? Is it, perhaps, time for you to let go of the past and give him a chance to establish a new level of trust in your relationship? Or, if there are no rational reasons for the mistrust, do you have trust issues based on previous relationships or past hurts? If so, then you need to take a look at the reasons behind your inability to trust and deal with them. Seek counseling if necessary.

If you are having trouble trusting your long-distance lover, the relationship will not work. Whether the mistrust is well-founded or not, it has to be resolved before you can move toward a successful and lasting long distance love relationship.

 

• Learn The Art Of Long Distance Sex

When apart, couples need to learn how to be sexual without being physically close. Usually this involves telephone sex or erotic letters, pictures, or videos. In dealing with couples in LDR's I’ll often assess each person’s comfort with the idea of long distance sex. Do they feel comfortable talking “erotically” over the telephone? Are they comfortable with self-pleasuring? If you want to make long distance sex part of your relationship, then work on making yourself more comfortable with these activities.

You can start by reading sexual fantasies over the telephone (or even just to yourselves first). There are even books that teach people how to write erotic fantasies. Sometimes the sexual component of the relationship is so important to one or both partners that the quality of telephone sex can actually make or break the relationship. Read more about Sex In A Long Distance Love Relationship.

 

• Stay Social

Don't lose your head and sit at home by the telephone every night, waiting for your lover to call. Stay in touch with the things that make you the person you are, the things that keep the spark in your eyes, the things that keep you vibrant and alive and interesting, the things that made your partner fall in love with you in the first place!

Keep busy, be involved, and enjoy time with friends and family. If your partner has a healthy approach to relationships, he will be doing the same, while still keeping you first and foremost in his mind. It will help you to read my article on Staying Happy and Connecting To Inner Passions and Dreams.

 

• Listen To Your Gut

Don’t take advice from others too seriously. There are no “musts” in long distance relationships. LDR's are more similar to traditional relationships than they are different. Don’t let someone tell you that you “must” talk to one another every night or that you “must” see each other once a month. What's true for you is what's true for you. Each and every one of us has their own wants and desires, has their own truths and ways of viewing life... stick to what is true for you!

 

Individuals involved in successful long distance relationships often have the opportunity to increase their communication skills, to be more appreciative, more independent and more trusting. They have to learn to value their time together, to communicate more often and on a deeper level and, above all, not to take each other for granted.

I sometimes compare intimacy to a rope that holds two people together. The inner core of the rope is the sharing of emotions between one another. But around this core are thousands of tiny fibers made up of each seemingly mundane exchange or experience that occurs between a couple. While no one fiber is terribly important, as a whole they create the true strength of the bond.

Couples in a long distance love relationship usually have a great inner core, but by itself it will not be strong enough to hold the couple together. They have to really work on adding the outer fibers by learning how to share in each others world even when they’re apart.

Look at your long distance love relationship as an opportunity to get to know your partner, and yourself, on a much deeper and more satisfying level.

All relationships need to be worked on and invested in, long distance relationships even more! So keep it up, I'm sure if you both survive the long distance, you'll be together for many more years!

Stay positive and keep that spark in your eyes,

 

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