Best Tips On How To Break Up
"You gotta read this article before you break it up"
| "Dear Coach Mili, I really need some tips on how to break up. I met a charming man through a dating site and have been corresponding with him for a few months now but I don't think he is the right one for me. He is a very nice guy and I don't want to hurt him, can you write down a few tips on how to break up without hurting his feelings too much” (Sharon, Texas) |
Whether it's you or your partner who decides to end your relationship, it's not easy to break up. The loss of a relationship can be incredibly painful; Thousands of people are dealing with issues of pain involving breakups on a daily basis. And many of these are even the people who initiate the breakup. I guess nobody enjoys breaking up, but sometimes it has to be done for the benefit of both sides. The heartache should be minimized as much as possible, and responsibility and consideration should be of the most importance.
Dear ladies, whether you're in an online or offline relationship, if you are going to initiate a break-up, keep in mind these important tips on how to break up...
* How to break up TIP #1: Be Sure Of Your Decision
Usually 80% of the difficulty of breaking up is that the person initiating the break-up is not sure. If you're having thoughts of breaking up, I advise you to take some time alone. Don't say anything to your partner, just take 3-4 days to yourself.
Go to the beach, a quiet park, the desert, or anywhere you can feel yourself without any distractions. Try to avoid television, Internet, Radio and any other technologies. Take a plain notebook, a pen, and yourself. Be alone for a while. Close your mobile phone and allow yourself to Feel. Write down what you feel, what you want for yourself, what were the good things in your relationship 'till now and what are the things you can't live with.
Speaking from experience I assure you that after the third day you'll have a few answers for yourself. The real answers are inside of us not other people’s advice.
If you are sure about the break-up, it’s best to do it sooner than later (for you and for your soon-to-be-EX). Before having “the break-up talk”, it’s best to come ready and know what you want to say, articulate the reasons to yourself beforehand about why you are breaking up.
* How to break up TIP #2: The Right Time And Place
It’s best to break up in person. Ya, I know… it might be easier to break-up with someone without having to look in their eyes, but it can also be seen as cowardly or mean. It’s best not to break up by e-mail, instant messaging, by phone, and any other behind-the-scenes way.
Tell your partner you want to meet them. Arrange to meet in a quiet, neutral and private place. Close your mobile phones. Honor this person whom you shared time with, avoid breaking in public noisy places. Make it honorable.
It’s also important to spend the right amount of time during the break-up talk; if you’ve been together for a year or more, give at least an hour for breaking up.
And on the other hand, if it was a small relationship, one that lasted a small amount of time, you can decide on a specific amount of time for the break-up, you don’t have to be so dramatic, it could take 20 minutes or so. You can also arrange an appointment with a friend so that you can say “I really have to go now, I have to meet a friend in 15 minutes from now”; that way you can limit the amount of time for the break-up.
It’s also best to break-up when both of you are calm and not during a huge argument or in the heat of a moment. Talking about a break-up peacefully will give the best chance for closure.
* How to break up TIP #3: Sharp And Certain Communication
Please ladies, avoid at any cost those Wishy-washy break-ups, they are the worst. Most of you have probably been there before: the conversation ends with a romantic song or a hug goodbye, and you still aren't 100% certain why you broke up, or if the relationship is actually over (it doesn't have to be that dramatic). These wishy-washy break-ups are a recipe for "Stuck" later on; there are so many relationships that drag on for months (even years) after they've unofficially ended. I personally know a few women in this situation, don't you? That's a big no-no gals!
When you're certain that you want to end it, be accurate in delivering your communication, articulate and be clear so that the other person knows it's over. That doesn't mean be stiff, it means to be straightforward and certain about the break up.
* How to break up TIP #4: Be Sensitive And Gentle
If you're breaking up with someone who's done you wrong: cheaters, liars, etc., good riddance to them and no need to be especially gentle or sensitive in your goodbye. Be mature, sharp, make it brief and move on! (I call it the "Asta la Vista baby" break-up!).
The flip side is when you're breaking up with someone who is extremely nice, and whose time you spent with him you’ve enjoyed. If your about-to-be EX wants to know why you're ending it, be honest yet sensitive, you can't make a break-up hurt-free, but you can make it hurt less.
Your friends might be telling you to keep him, "There are no men like him around anymore", "so smart", "so crazy about you". But for whatever reason you can't live with the thought of spending any more time with them.
First, try not to sound rushed or show your relief during the break-up, it will only unnecessarily hurt the other person. It's very important to be respectful for the time you spent together, protect your Ex-partner’s feelings. Remember, this is someone you chose, with whom you shared intimate moments, a bed (probably), fun, clothes, sometimes everything in your life – even children. If a relationship simply doesn't work out, be gentle in the ending of it (especially if the break-up is coming as a surprise to them). Try to be understanding in their need to digest the news. And remember, most EX’s have a good chance of being your friend down the line.
* How to break up TIP #5: Don't Disappear - Just End It
Ending a relationship might feel unnecessary (especially in cyber relationships), but you owe it to any person with whom you've been intimate or shared any period of time. Put it this way, if you've seen someone with any regularity, it's only fair to let them know you won't be seeing them anymore.
The ‘disappearing act’ is a favorite break-up choice, it gives us the opportunity of non-confronting the unpleasant side of breaking up. The rationale: "We're not 'serious' so there is no need to formally break up". Usually with virtual relationships we have justifications like: "I'll just become unavailable and uncommunicative enough so they end it first" or "I will ignore him for a while so he’ll get the clue I'm not interested", etc. etc.. This is not the right way out. It's also unfair, disrespectful; I highly recommend you avoid it in any way possible.
Be patient. Don’t expect to end your relationship to leave fast, especially if it has come out of the blue. Your Ex-partner will probably want to ask questions and may even try to change your mind. Allow him. Think about how you would feel if you were the one being dumped. You would want to ask questions.
The reactions you may get are questioning, arguing, begging, anger, crying, etc. It’s not a surprise that your partner will be upset, you can comfort him, but keep your guard, don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by all of the upset emotions, be very certain about your choice.
* How to break up TIP #6: Avoid Overlaps
My advice is not to start seeing someone else before you tell your partner that it's over. Furthermore, it’s highly important that you take some time for yourself, some time of being independently alone so that you can examine for yourself what are the things you'd like to have in your next relationship and what are the things you aren't willing to compromise anymore.
Jumping from one relationship to another doesn't allow you the privilege to observe your life and move forward. You can learn more about luring the right kind of match into your lives by reading my article on "Ideal Love Match Scene".
* How to break up TIP #7: Don't Feel Pangs Of Conscience
If you've read this article from its start and you did all the steps until now, especially the number one tip of "being sure", then its time for you to relax. Don't sink into pangs of conscience. Even if your guy took hard the breakup conversation and he is very sad about losing you, he'll get over it and will find someone else. It is very important that you stick to your decision and not feel pity for your partner. Mercy emotions often make things worse, be aware of them and don't let them control your actions.
* How to break up TIP #8: Distance Yourself
It’s not so easy to distance yourself after you’ve been so close to this person. But really, this is the best way to break up. Don’t call, don’t meet up, try to avoid places your EX goes to, and just take some time for yourself. Meet friends, do things you’ve been meaning to do, go study something that interests you, or anything that can make you happy and active.
Your EX will most likely try to get in touch with you by phone, text messages, e-mails, and more. Even if you really really want to talk to them, my advice to you is to wait awhile before contacting (if at all!). If you want to be friends with them, wait at least a few months so that the he can get over you and possibly start dating someone else.
So you had a relationship with this person, you were intimate at a certain point in your life, and you might always have a certain soft spot for him, but truly… if you really want to know how to break up... It’s time to move on…
In conclusion gals, Leave as you would have liked to be left (being dumped hurts). In other words: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...
and most important,
Move On Ladies!!
What are your opinions on how to break up? I would love to hear your 'how to break up' tips! If you're interested, I can also post your opinions here on this page for others to learn from. Feel free to use the following 'how to break up' submission form:
